


Garfield:The Final Strip

by Hitlertheduck



Category: Garfield - All Media Types
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25268302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck
Summary: The final chapter to the Greek epic poem known as Garfield. Read at your own risk.
Kudos: 5





	Garfield:The Final Strip

Garfield was consuming the corpse of his latest victim, a girl scout named Vicky. Red blood dripped from his lips and strawberry flavored brain matter filled the inside of his mouth. Each time he smacked his lips together it would create a shockwave that caused an earthquake in some part of the world. He then swallowed and let out a burp, which had enough force to decimate several hundred galaxies.

“Odie, you’ve gotta try this, it’s delicious” said Garfield while ice-skating, except the skates were made from dragon eggs and the blades underneath were made from dinosaur teeth.

Odie did as his friend asked, consumed some of the corpse, and chewed thoroughly. Each time his teeth clicked together, a planet blew up due to the sheer force of Odie’s impact. 

He then swallowed his meal and licked his lips due to how good it was. Every drop of saliva that dripped from Odie’s tongue would cause a child to get AIDS in some corner of the world. 

“You were right Garfield this is delicious… in fact, I may just have to eat it again”

Odie then stuck two fingers down his throat in order to make himself vomit. Odie then started to cough repeatedly until eventually, he coughed up his meal, except, instead of a corpse coming out of him, Macho Man Randy Savage came out of Odie’s mouth, because the chemicals in Odie’s stomach cause anything vomited out by him to turn into Randy Savage.

“Ello governor, I’m going to drink your lives like a spot of tea now” said Randy Savage

Randy then reached into his nose and pulled out a nose hair. The nose hair then solidified and became a bow staff for Randy to wield. 

Garfield and Odie just looked at each other before looking back at Randy and saying in unison “prepare to be punished for your misdeeds, evil one!”

Garfield then stuck his hand into his asshole and pulled out the asshole-saber. Odie stuck his hand in his dickhole and pulled out the groin-gun. 

“Prepare to inhale the sweet, succulent, seductive, tangy, mouth-watering, scrumptious, taste of defeat vile one” declared Garfield.

Garfield then rushed towards Randy at full speed, prepared to impale the macho man with his asshole-saber while Odie charged his groin-gun to maximum firepower. 

As Garfield was sprinting towards Randy, Randy tried to use his bow staff to beat Garfield upside the head but Garfield slid underneath him and he stabbed him right in the chest! 

As this was going on, Odie’s groin gun finished charging and it fired a blue beam of energy. Garfield rolled to the side while Randy got hit straight in the chest and exploded into a pile of Power Rangers!

Suddenly Optimus Prime appeared behind Odie and asked “what’s that behind your ear?”

Optimus then reached behind Odie’s ear and pulled out a quarter. He then held it up for the world to see, unaware that the Power Rangers are attracted to shiny objects. So the Power Rangers then jumped on Optimus Prime and proceeded to rape him repeatedly while Optimus screamed in horror as one of the Power Rangers sperm missed Optimus and instead drilled through the earth until it reached the core and caused the whole planet to go kablooey, leaving Garfield and Odie floating in space together!

Garfield and Odie then looked over to their left side and saw that Barney the dinosaur was also floating aimlessly through space. 

Barney looked over to them and said “suck on my nipples if you wanna live”

Barney’s green nipples then became hard enough to pierce through the fabric of time. Garfield and Odie obliged and proceeded to suck on Barney’s nipples and as they were doing so, their minds were filled up with all of the knowledge of every single universe across time and space. They continued sucking and sucking until reality itself started to come apart because Barney’s nipples can warp reality.

Garfield and Odie eventually finished and they realized that everything that happened up to this point actually took place inside the mind of a lion in the Savannah Jungle. So Garfield and Odie then started making out with each other so that they could combine their saliva to create the saliva bomb.

Eventually after 47 years, Garfield and Odie finished their makeout session and activated the saliva bomb which caused the lion dreaming the whole thing’s head to go SPLATTAROO! Garfield and Odie had successfully escaped into the real world.

In the real world, everyone is a giant gorilla with a helicopter for a head, made out of macaroni, and are allergic to the words “fuckaroo banzai.” The currency that is used in the real world are Saved by the bell season 4 DVDs, that have been dipped in white chocolate, drenched in a virgin boy’s first cum, and licked by the tongue of Caligula.

Odie reached into his brain and pulled out a CD. He then went up to Garfield and offered him the CD. Garfield then proceeded to use this CD to rape Chef Boyardee to death with it. 

Optimus Prime then appeared behind Odie and asked “what’s that behind your ear?”

Optimus then reached behind Odie’s ear and pulled out a quarter. He then held it up for the world to see. A bunch of multicolored space ninjas then jumped on Optimus’s body and proceeded to start to rape him but this just pissed off Optimus, so he threw them off his body.

“WE’VE ALREADY DONE THIS GAG BEFORE YOU POWER RANGERS”

“私たちのお尻は太陽よりも熱く燃える” said the ninjas.

“Oh wait you guys aren’t Power Rangers, you’re Super Sentais, carry on then”

The Super Sentais then proceeded to rape Optimus Prime to death for the second time in a row.

Garfield then reached down and touched his dick. He then proceeded to pull off his orange foreskin until he had nothing there. His foreskin then began to flash a multitude of different colors until a spirit emerged from it.

“I AM THE GOD OF FORESKIN, WHAT IS YOUR WISH?”

Garfield thought for a second and then said “I wish for all of the elderly people in this world to combine to become a fresh pair of pants for me to wear” 

The god of Foreskin then looked at Odie and asked “WHAT IS YOUR WISH PUP?”

“I wish for the cosmic cheese puff to get in my mouth”

The god of Foreskin then declared “YOUR WISHES ARE NOW GRANTED, I’M OFF TO GO HUMP MY BATGIRL BODY PILLOW!”

The god of Foreskin then jumped into his own ass and disappeared forever.

Suddenly a pair of pants, containing the souls of every elderly person, appeared on Garfield’s waste. A pink cheese puff then shot down from space at the speed of light and dropped itself into Odie’s mouth, causing Odie’s ass cheeks to clap together in sheer joy and create a soundwave which turned everyone on earth named Phillip Jenkins into a napkin, whose sole purpose is to wipe all of the filthy mouths and then self-destruct once their prime directive has been fulfilled.

Odie then proceeded to give birth to a bunch of tiny cheese puffs because the cosmic cheese puff causes whoever consumed it to become pregnant and cause the cheese puff apocalypse.

The tiny cheese puffs then looked into the sky and noticed that the moon was full. This caused them to grow brown fur, large teeth, and razor sharp claws, for these weren’t just any old cheese puffs, these were werewolf cheese puffs! The werewolf cheese puffs then jumped into the sky and started to eat the planet Saturn!

Garfield stuck his hands in his jeans pockets and declared “My new elderly people pants outta put a stop to this.”

Garfield then spread his legs apart to do the splits, and then fired the elderly beam, which was a green glowing beam with chocolate chips on top that vaporized all of the werewolf cheese puffs instantaneously!

“Now Odie, we must do the funky chicken” said Garfield in his iconic French accent.

“Garfield we shouldn’t do this, don’t you know that the funky chicken makes your skeleton catch on fire” said Odie while sweating bullets. The bullets then flew off and splattered a bunch of teenager’s heads onto the walls.

Garfield then said “wow Odie, I didn’t think of that, thanks for informing me, let’s do the waltz instead”

Garfield and Odie then proceeded to do the waltz together, unaware that doing the waltz summoned the evil spirit of Anne Frank!

Suddenly, a kaiju sized version of Anne Frank sprang up from the ground, surrounded by the flames of Hell and yelled “WHO DISTURBS MY NAPPY TIME?”

Garfield and Odie then pointed towards Optimus Prime (who was watering his spice garden) and said “he’s the one you want.”

Anne Frank then ran up to Optimus Prime at the speed of light and Optimus Prime just threw his hands up in the air in defeat and said “I guess my fate is just to get raped to death huh?”

Anne Frank then raped Optimus to death for the third time in this story.

Garfield then looked at his watch on his left arm and he gasped “OH NO, I’M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK!”

Odie yelled “OH MY GOSH, ME TOO!”

Garfield jumped on Odie’s back and Odie transformed into the baby stroller from HELL to get them to work faster. Baby stroller Odie then spouted flaming wings from both sides and flew into the air to get to their workplace.

Baby stroller Odie eventually got to the building that they both worked at and he changed back to regular Odie in order to get to work. Garfield and Odie then ran inside of the building, hoping that they weren’t late.

They both looked around to see that the building was filled up with employees, so Garfield opened up his mouth and a large swarm of wasps exited from his mouth and started to kill everyone inside. Odie opened up his mouth, and instead of wasps, tiny Freddy Mercuries with jetpacks flew out and began to slice everyone open with their surgical tools. Garfield and Odie’s job occupation was to keep other people from doing their jobs and they were known as masters of their craft.

One of the people, who was bleeding out on the ground, crawled over to Garfield and Odie and said “you guys are doing a great job.”

Odie then smashed his head open with a can of frozen peas, causing purple, grape flavored, blood to shoot everywhere, while his dead body gave two thumbs up because of how good Garfield and Odie were doing at ruining other people’s jobs.

As Garfield and Odie were massacring everyone inside of the building, Garfield noticed that there was someone watching them from outside the window. This person then jumped through the window and revealed themselves to be none other than, the raging sex machine himself, Earthworm Jim!

Earthworm Jim then jumped down and landed on the same floor that Garfield and Odie were on “Garfield and Odie, my oldest enemies from before time began, are you ready to finish what we started?”

Garfield and Odie quit killing everyone and both of them said at the same time “we’d be glad to.”

Jim then said “good, because I have a new form that could wipe you guys out instantly”

A golden sheen then began to surround Jim as his form slowly started to morph. He began to grow a business suit, he grew gray hair, and his features became more humanlike. 

After 50,000 years, Jim’s transformation was complete, Jim had turned into John Madden! 

John Madden voice boomed as he said “come and meet your doom!”

Garfield smirked, then he started to laugh “hahahahahahaha, do you think that you’re the only one who has been preparing for this day?”

Garfield looked in Odie’s direction and said “Odie, let’s show him our fusion technique”

Garfield and Odie then pissed on each other. Their piss streams then crossed over and created a blinding flash of rainbow energy that John Madden had to cover his eyes for.  
When John uncovered them, he saw a completely new specimen lay before him. This creature had white gloves, blue fur, quills, green eyes, and red shoes. Garfield and Odie had combined to become Sonic the Hedgehog!

Sonic and John Madden then stared each other down for what seemed like an eternity (mainly because it was) before John fired a red laser out of the palm of his hand in an attempt to fry Sonic, but Sonic opened up his mouth to catch the laser. Sonic then swished the laser around for several minutes before spitting it out into the sink because Sonic cares about dental hygiene more than anything.

John Madden then let loose a stream of potty words from his mouth in order to compromise Sonic’s beliefs. Sonic then began to froth at the mouth due to the words that were entering into his ear holes. Each saliva bubble went on to have a successful career as a pop idol in South Korea.

John continued saying his nono words to break Sonic’s precious little brain. Sonic felt like he was about to die, but then he remembered what his mentor, Ridley Scott, told him.

“Sonic, if a person says words to you that you don’t like, give him a piece of your mind” said Ridley Scott in a Scottish accent.

Sonic then flashed back into reality and did exactly what Ridley Scott told him. He reached inside his head with both of his hands, grabbed his brain, and tore his brain into four pieces. 

Sonic went on to toss each of these pieces at John Madden individually, which made John Madden scream as he decomposed into a pile of bones, due to his weakness being pieces of mind. 

Sonic decided to gather up the bones of John Madden and throw them into the bone trash, because Sonic cares about cleanliness.

Sonic then began to vibrate at a rapid rate until he unmerged back into Garfield and Odie.

Garfield and Odie felt amazing, they had finally defeated Earthworm Jim and settled a millennia old rivalry. They felt so amazing in fact that cocoons sprouted up from the ground. Garfield and Odie decided to enter these cocoons and go through metamorphosis in order to become their true selves.

Some time passed but eventually the two of them finished and exited their cocoons. Garfield now had human skin, long flowing blonde hair, a red dress, and blue eyes. Odie now had human skin, purple hair with pink streaks running down it, a much more gothic wardrobe than Garfield, and a pair of bluish green eyes. 

They had finally done it, they had morphed into Panty and Stocking, and were now ready to live their new lives as angels of the Lord.


End file.
